Me 101

1.The control freak in me has to take care of the books even if I say I don't want to.

2.  I only read the US news if I have to.  I always feel like if there is something I really need to know- I will see it on Facebook. Crazy i know.

3.I don't really like to talk on the phone.  I prefer texting.  I'm funnier in print- and awkward in person.  Perhaps that's why I like to text.

4.I like bread, all. Kinds of bread.... And can eat a whole loaf if it is good bread!

5.I am notorious for screwing up song lyrics. 

6.I really want another child/ children. Right between Selah and Zion.

7.I find myself listening to kids bop in the car even when the kids aren't with me.  Same goes with iCarly on TV long after the kids have left the room.

8.I like watching the housewives  My husband will be mortified that I just shared that.

9.I could eat crab until I got's not a pretty sight.

10.I' hate that I am getting older. But the inner me still sees her self as an insecure 18year old.

11.I'm on the computer too much too have 6 kids

12.I love wearing dresses!

13.We don't have a tv in our room and i Love it.

14.I hate doing dishes and Richard let's me get away with not doing them.

15.I want to go to collage! But it scares me to death!

16.Some times I eat just to eat.

17.If I were to go to my dream vacation destinations, I would tour Europe with my family ,Or go to an all inclusive resort in Fiji .

18.I say damit when I'm really mad.

19. I hate homework!

20. I secretly love my stretch marks!

21. I am a huge fan of P.D.A.

22.I can burp on demand.

23. I am to lazy to ever get divorced......... NOT THAT RICHARD AND I EVER WOULD!!!! I LOVE HIM MORE EVERY DAY!

24.My favorite vegetable is Asparigas

25.My current celebrity crush is Anderson Cooper.  He could tell me the news any day.

26.I love pickled eggs.

27.I have a collection of hello kitty!

28.I hate decorating for holidays

29.My favorite age of kids is age 4.  Old enough to be a little independent but still young enough to be sweet and innocent. 

30.I cry at commercials .

31.I don't remember what my life was like with out kids........ And that is a good thing.

32. Really don't like my birthday, it is never right....... But thank you Richard for never stop trying

33. I saved the pants that I was wearing when I met Richard.

34. I love show tunes.

35.  I have always wanted to live in Haiti and work with orphans.

36. I love shoes...but hate to wear them and only do if I have to! An then they have to nice really nice!

37. chocolate..... need I say more?!?!

38.  I like hospital and airline food.

39.  I consider my home and children a mission field unto it self.

40.  I wish that I knew how to dance.  I love to dance, but I am so bad at it and look so awkward doing it. 

41.  I don't like cold makes me hurt all over
42.  I love reading childrens books....I started collecting them before I had kids.

43. I'm not a fan of popcorn. It gets stuck in my teeth. 

44. I love coupons!

45. I am an awfull speller!

46. I love my tv and keep in on for background noise.

47. I love being part of my foster parent association! It makes me feel like I have an in.

48. I really want a pool!

49. I like to spend time with my the expense of housework!
50. After 11 years of marriage , Richard still surprises me all the time......and I love him more and more for it!

11 step program for thos thinking of having kids

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

by Amy Lawrencej